R.I.P Blog

Anyways, while what I have written in this blog has a value of its own, and will probably be intereasting to read a few years from now, I feel as if, well, its kind of depressing as a whole, and the person I was during the majority of posts here is not well the same person I am now, at least to some extent. So burying this blog, and starting off with a new one.

Been a month...

Since my last post... Damn, ages :)

Lots of stuff happened since...

Was sick in SUS for 1.5 weeks, which was kind of annoying... had high temperature, 38.9 at one point, must have been the flu... During my sick period Arijana visited me 3 times... lol talk about unpredicatble. First day she must have spent like 2 hours with me in total, laying on my bed essentially half the time. As usual, had no idea about how to interpret it. Laughed my ass off when she jumped off the bed when Nico visited me :P haha apparently she knew it wud look weird...

Next day she came over again, this time sick too. must have gotten it from me :P I came over to her room, which was empty. Spent a couple of hours talking... I finally was honest with her, which was kinda weird but relieving... Layed next to her for a long time... Then it was bedtime and I stayed. lol kept getting up bcos of being paranoid about sum1 coming. Stayed until 4am, which was weeiird... She started touching me, which was funny, cos Im kinda ticklish... :P

Then it got to the stage where I was laying on top of her, and she had her hands under my shirt on my back... Meh, thats where I fucked up... Got the idea into my head she just wanted to sleep with me, and then again leave me alone... which was, ironically, 100% true... but she noticed how I freaked out, and asked me to tell her the truth... Which I guess was a turn off for her :P the irony was that like 15-20 minutes later I just didnt care... So I made a move. two times.. both times got her breathing going, but well, quite frankly didnt know how far to go, or how to do it... damn blame the lack of sex ed in eastern european schools :D

To be honest wouldnt have left until the morning if I knew this was the last time I would be with her. As it was, cuddled until 4am, upon which my headache was so bad I left and went to bed. Next morning I went into her room, where Greg was sitting with her... weeeird vibe going on there... then she left sus, and I didnt hear from her until the weekend, she wrote me on facebook. lol heard she had broke up with greg. YAY for me, right? nope... they got together like on the first day after. Hit me SO hard, funny, what should I have expected? Just went numb inside. In the evening I went out and bought a bottle of gin, watched "the holiday" and got wasted. had like 6 hours of sleep, woke up feeling like utter toss.... was hungover all day, drank the rest of the bottle the next evening... alcohol helps :P

According to my bro, who talked with greg, she told him a weird mixture of truth and lies about the whole affair... Cant believe he had it in him to take her back... tbh I dont know if I would... Id tell him the truth, but he wouldnt believe me, and I dont care enough... Regret that we wont be friends anymore, missed the fun, but to be honest I realise that we havent really been friends since january, when Arijana arrived... he said when it looked like I would be with her that we would never be able to be friends again, and though it ended up the other way around, it was true... Even when we were supposedly "friends", I still felt like punching him in the face all the time... Guess its just a primal emotion which is separate from my perception of him. Well anyways, he hates my guts now, so guess nothing will change that... hate ignoring both of them when they are in my face at school, not because of the emotional pain, kinda getting used to that, but more because its just annoying. Think Ill just look into his/her eyes next time and smile. haha, should be fun :D

wrote her an april fools message, in which I asked her to make up her mind if she was just going to go on ignoring me or if she actually wanted to see me. Lol not even talking abt her breaking up at that point.

Then I left for easter. Was great getting away from the school and the memories.

Had easter holidays, when I flew to my Moms place in cyprus. Spent like 6 hours in prague airport stoning, arrived to cyprus at 4am. Had a great time there, weather was crap at the beginning, but got better later. First 2 days I just chilled, my suitcase got stuck at the airport so I went shopping with my mom for clothes. Lol :D

Then started working on maths. Did like 5-6 hours a day, had three lessons with a tutor. Got through essentially all the problematic issues I had in maths; Met my moms various suitors. haha funny :) one dude is this journalist in his 50s who my Mom essentially abuses for her own interests (e.g. driving me and my bro around, etc.). Im kind of bitter after the events of the last couple of months, which showed during the holidays quite a lot I guess... Said a lot of half comic nasty things to my mom, hate her attitude towards people in that respect... Exchanged the usual batch of superficial messages with Arijana, she didnt answer my question. So I just blocked and deleted them all... Which was the thing to do...

Started going to the beach about a week into the holidays, which was nice. The water was fresh, loved the salt... Being in the sun was nice, got a tan by the end of the holidays :)

another suitor of my moms is this weirdo Costa, whom I dislike. Doesnt seem particularly intellectual, very wannabe macho, which just seems ridiculous. But hey, he got an Armani watch for my bro, and apparently he has a HOT 17 year old daughter. Didnt get to see her during the holiday, guess we will find out during the summer holidays. '

Got glasses, which is taking me a bit to get used to, but which is kinda growing on me :)

now on my first week of school, revising as much as I can every day, which is hard, what with all the routine, and my weird mood swings. my psych has stabilised, but its hard to stay optimistic when I have one person here I can even talk to properly. Having a party tomorrow, probs gonna buy some booze if I can. Woohoo gonna be great to see the 1gs singing their concert... NOT! but I guess its a tradition we all have to bear with...

who knows, maybe something interesting will happen... the world is unpredictable :P

and then there is theater on wednsday, and a nice last 3g evening dinner, with wine...

Then there is thursday evening with rektor, and the whole night out! :P :D:D and in the morning we have pø kamp, and im defending the island at last. Great!

so yeah things are bittersweet... cant wait for the exams to end, so I can chill with nicolas for like two weeks... then to cyprus for like a month... then going to our interrail trip in july, at last :) drinking, travelling! woohoo self motivation....

And then glasgow... nico saying that he might come next year, wud b awesome for us to rent an apartment together. Looking forward to being able to turn over the page, and just forget about this segment of my life. A lot of lessons learnt, most of it from unhappy, bitter experiences, but experience nonetheless. Hopefully with the new knowledge I will do better at uni. I hope :)

Bin ages

Soo, its been ages since ive posted in my blog... so a short summary of the events:

Weekend with Greg was WEEEEIRD! Went clubbing to retro, had to wait for 2.5 hours to get in, got in at 3, didnt score, due to a combination of my inefficiency, so to speak, and the lack of attractive girls. So yeah that mildly sucked :P next day his mom went on so many bitch rants that I left his house and went for a 2-3 hour long walk, up to the sea.

Arijana wanted to be friends with me. Greg asked me to come over to an empty classroom, and left me alone to talk with her. Tried to convince me tht we cud b friends. I vehemently disagreed, but yeah she is stubborn... So in the end she texted me, I was going to say no, but greg maintained that it would be much easier just to "keep up appearances" and say yes, then refuse. Which I did. after what like 1-2 weeks of superficial "philip sup" facebook/msn messages greg set up a poker game, where it was me, my bro, and she joined in. Seeing her with greg as usual started grinding my gears, in the end I decided to just go all in and leave before I said something extremely unpleasant. Hey, I thought it was a tactful way out. Apparently it didnt work, they came to my room and wouldnt leave. I tried to convince and coerce them over a large period of time, to no avail. In the end I threw my phone at the wall in an attempt to freak them out enough for them to leave. Arijana left, me and greg had a talk. He maintained that I should apologise. Which I did, albeit rather superficially. So yeah now Im in "ignore arijana" mode, which will most likely persist until the end of school. Hey, its not very nice, but I cant see an alternative.

Haha last bytur, I had 200kr for the trip, went a bit later then the others, walked to town alone, in the dark, bought a big bottle of bacardi and some cola zero. Mixed em up and drank most of it over 30 min while walking towards the club. Deposited the half full bottle behind a dumpster outside, and frequently took short trips outside for a sip. Danced quite a bit, ended up hooking up with a girl that used to go to herluf some years ago. Lol didnt realise the extent of her alcoholic embezzlement until she almost fell at one point. Things got quite interesting, but then Im afraid that we had to go out and in again into retro, this time requiring a 20 year old ID. Im 16, but had a 19 year old ID, the bitches didnt let me in. So nothing happened otherwise with the girl :/

Met these 2 russian guys at the entrance, explained them my dillema. They were semi drunk and very friendly, led me to another club, and payed for my entrance (LOL). Had some fun for abt 30 mins with them, smoked a ciggy (yes its a sin, and no it wasnt particularly nice, and no I wont be repeating anytime soon. Waterpipe ftw tho) . Anyways afterwards picked up a cab, got back to school on time.

Revision is going kinda shite, not doing nearly enough. Will be staying up to finish these two assignments I have overdue. Not in a very philosophical mood today, so sorry no deeply emotional introspection this time :P

lol

Feel like a lot of the thoughts I have been having have been stupidity. Guess thats a good thing. Im essentially not really thinking about her any more, I mean a bit of course, but not overly concerned. Mostly just depressed for no particular reason at this point, sort of guess that the whole fuck up put things into motion. Hoping to get over it this weekend with the whole clubbing thing, should be fun :)

haha greg is going to be my "wing man", whatever the fuck that means... Should be interesting to see how things fold out, whatever happens I intend to have some good drinking, and fun. Not particular ambitious due to my current emotional detachment, should be a good alternative to my usual drunken desperation. I mean it kinda worked last party, so guess that being casually interested but not really caring is the way to go ;)
havent clubbed for ages, tired of this stupid school ball bullshit.... should be nice to wear some decent clothes for once and be at a party with nice music. Ironically going to Retro again, like almost the only club I been to in DK (except for crazy daisy). Quite nice place so dont mind. lol good Im going with greg could use a wee bit of practical advice :P

been quite the asshole to him the last week or two, realised that today and apologised to him, hope he is not too pissed at me... guess it must be hard to be friends with me, probs even harder then it was for me to b friends with him. well whatever, we talked about issues related to the whole thing, and I didnt really care very much. I kind of understand what happened and why now, but would rather not talk about it in depth. Whatever happened, even if im more or less over it, I dont think I will ever talk to her again. not because she flippantly changed her mind; I understand that now, but because she never cared enough to apologise, explain, or do the dignity to say it to my face. whatever her motives, I find that unacceptable. but lol Ive said that in like every blog post this week so I guess the message comes across :P
watched this cool tv soap called "skins", suprisingly good actually, with a sub plot which resembles an insanely exaggerated version of wut I was going through. Made me feel relieved that I came out of it all relatively unscathed; could have been worse :P and hey you know I learned a bit from it, and experience is always good. Guess that maturity is at last catching up with me :P happy that that is happening now at least, better late than never... anyways gonna go pack up my "party" clothes atm, watch some movie, and go to bed sleep since imma have my last exams tomorrow, which is important.

zzz...

Stayed up more or less all night today, reading the stuff I needed for Russian, and finishing my econ IA.

Slept through my russian self taught paper one today by mistake, fucked up... :s Cecilia didnt look too pissed but she said we would talk tomorrow, going to see what happens then.

Sat hiding under the blue sofa from vector with the moonlight sonata in my ears. the guy was fucking 0.5m away from me and I just didnt care. lol :P

Just watched the video for The killers - Mr. Brightside, and it almost made me laugh it rang so many bells in my head...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIgsDPsU-M0

Going to get some sleep now I guess, finish work for today, read up on a bit of development economics for tomorrow...

stupidity

Went to tanken with Greg. Was in a reasonably good mood, got some of my randomness back :)

When we came back he started pestering me to get him Coldplay - The scientist. Apparently a deeply emotional song for him... Lol he told me why, and it somehow made me so sad. Went upstairs, did some work, listened to coldplay. I know it is rather stupid, I mean here is a girl that was never honest with me, never told me a word of truth, and when I spilt out all my feelings for her she just sent me an sms saying she changed her mind and expected me to be all puppy happy for friendly socialising again. It seriously fucked me up. But I still care. Its annoying, I dont want it to be like that, but I cant help it. Im trying really hard to forget her, to not write to her every time I go onto facebook, to not just pretend that I forgive her. Its hard for me. Its hard to be a good friend to greg and not to feel insane spikes of jealousy and sadness every time he mentions her, which he does all the time of course, I can see how much feelings he has for her. I wish I could just put everything behind. But what she did was not just hurtful, it was disrespectful to me on a fundamental level.
I cannot demand feelings from her, that would be wrong of course, and I can accept her rejecting me (hey, thats what Im experienced with - rejection), but elementary respect for another human being, some elementary sense of dignity, that is something that I require in a person I would consider close to me, if even only as a friend. I still cant believe that everything she ever told me was bullshit, but thats the only way i can interpret her behaviour, and it saddens me. I really hope Greg does better, but then he will no doubt. Im just an asshole who doesnt know how to behave.

I guess Im just doomed to bear the brunt of this whole thing until the end of school, or until I get drunk and score enough times for cynicism about relationships and girls to kick in.

Hey, at least Im listening to coldplay on a regular basis again :)

I promised not to...

And then I did. lol. write a wall of text. but hey at least I dont have anything else to say to her. I had hoped that she would care enough to at least explain. Guess it was too much to hope for. lets hope I dont get another wall of meaningless text that would confuse me again. Tired of those bullshit facebook posts. Seriously if a person has something important to say they can at least bother to say it to my face. I guess that the fact that she never did that shows just how fake this whole thing has been. At least now I can forget about the whole thing.

On a more cheerful note, I found this awesome song Heart of Fire - Innerpartysystem. Great song, weird that it only has 40000 views on youtube. Preparing for my Russian exams right now, going to be weird to write in my mother tongue again after 3 years of no academia in Russian :)

Slumdog Millionaire won 8 oscars! 8 fucking oscars! thats awesome :) I personally loved the film thought it was one of the best I recall seeing in the last 2-3 years. Nicolas was not as positive about it as me, but I guess that the romantic elements of the film appeal more to me since im a closeted sentimental (meh wish i wasnt tbh causes me a lot of trouble).

Got my brother convinced to go somewhere else for the rejseweekend, meaning I can go clubbing without feeling responsible for my bro. He can be heaps of fun, but I seriously would not like to be responsible for his alcohol consumption. Plus, Gregs living facilities are apparently not very large, so wouldnt like to inconveniance his Mom too much.

My grandmothers birthday today, gonna have to call her later...