R.I.P Blog

Anyways, while what I have written in this blog has a value of its own, and will probably be intereasting to read a few years from now, I feel as if, well, its kind of depressing as a whole, and the person I was during the majority of posts here is not well the same person I am now, at least to some extent. So burying this blog, and starting off with a new one.

Been a month...

Since my last post... Damn, ages :)

Lots of stuff happened since...

Was sick in SUS for 1.5 weeks, which was kind of annoying... had high temperature, 38.9 at one point, must have been the flu... During my sick period Arijana visited me 3 times... lol talk about unpredicatble. First day she must have spent like 2 hours with me in total, laying on my bed essentially half the time. As usual, had no idea about how to interpret it. Laughed my ass off when she jumped off the bed when Nico visited me :P haha apparently she knew it wud look weird...

Next day she came over again, this time sick too. must have gotten it from me :P I came over to her room, which was empty. Spent a couple of hours talking... I finally was honest with her, which was kinda weird but relieving... Layed next to her for a long time... Then it was bedtime and I stayed. lol kept getting up bcos of being paranoid about sum1 coming. Stayed until 4am, which was weeiird... She started touching me, which was funny, cos Im kinda ticklish... :P

Then it got to the stage where I was laying on top of her, and she had her hands under my shirt on my back... Meh, thats where I fucked up... Got the idea into my head she just wanted to sleep with me, and then again leave me alone... which was, ironically, 100% true... but she noticed how I freaked out, and asked me to tell her the truth... Which I guess was a turn off for her :P the irony was that like 15-20 minutes later I just didnt care... So I made a move. two times.. both times got her breathing going, but well, quite frankly didnt know how far to go, or how to do it... damn blame the lack of sex ed in eastern european schools :D

To be honest wouldnt have left until the morning if I knew this was the last time I would be with her. As it was, cuddled until 4am, upon which my headache was so bad I left and went to bed. Next morning I went into her room, where Greg was sitting with her... weeeird vibe going on there... then she left sus, and I didnt hear from her until the weekend, she wrote me on facebook. lol heard she had broke up with greg. YAY for me, right? nope... they got together like on the first day after. Hit me SO hard, funny, what should I have expected? Just went numb inside. In the evening I went out and bought a bottle of gin, watched "the holiday" and got wasted. had like 6 hours of sleep, woke up feeling like utter toss.... was hungover all day, drank the rest of the bottle the next evening... alcohol helps :P

According to my bro, who talked with greg, she told him a weird mixture of truth and lies about the whole affair... Cant believe he had it in him to take her back... tbh I dont know if I would... Id tell him the truth, but he wouldnt believe me, and I dont care enough... Regret that we wont be friends anymore, missed the fun, but to be honest I realise that we havent really been friends since january, when Arijana arrived... he said when it looked like I would be with her that we would never be able to be friends again, and though it ended up the other way around, it was true... Even when we were supposedly "friends", I still felt like punching him in the face all the time... Guess its just a primal emotion which is separate from my perception of him. Well anyways, he hates my guts now, so guess nothing will change that... hate ignoring both of them when they are in my face at school, not because of the emotional pain, kinda getting used to that, but more because its just annoying. Think Ill just look into his/her eyes next time and smile. haha, should be fun :D

wrote her an april fools message, in which I asked her to make up her mind if she was just going to go on ignoring me or if she actually wanted to see me. Lol not even talking abt her breaking up at that point.

Then I left for easter. Was great getting away from the school and the memories.

Had easter holidays, when I flew to my Moms place in cyprus. Spent like 6 hours in prague airport stoning, arrived to cyprus at 4am. Had a great time there, weather was crap at the beginning, but got better later. First 2 days I just chilled, my suitcase got stuck at the airport so I went shopping with my mom for clothes. Lol :D

Then started working on maths. Did like 5-6 hours a day, had three lessons with a tutor. Got through essentially all the problematic issues I had in maths; Met my moms various suitors. haha funny :) one dude is this journalist in his 50s who my Mom essentially abuses for her own interests (e.g. driving me and my bro around, etc.). Im kind of bitter after the events of the last couple of months, which showed during the holidays quite a lot I guess... Said a lot of half comic nasty things to my mom, hate her attitude towards people in that respect... Exchanged the usual batch of superficial messages with Arijana, she didnt answer my question. So I just blocked and deleted them all... Which was the thing to do...

Started going to the beach about a week into the holidays, which was nice. The water was fresh, loved the salt... Being in the sun was nice, got a tan by the end of the holidays :)

another suitor of my moms is this weirdo Costa, whom I dislike. Doesnt seem particularly intellectual, very wannabe macho, which just seems ridiculous. But hey, he got an Armani watch for my bro, and apparently he has a HOT 17 year old daughter. Didnt get to see her during the holiday, guess we will find out during the summer holidays. '

Got glasses, which is taking me a bit to get used to, but which is kinda growing on me :)

now on my first week of school, revising as much as I can every day, which is hard, what with all the routine, and my weird mood swings. my psych has stabilised, but its hard to stay optimistic when I have one person here I can even talk to properly. Having a party tomorrow, probs gonna buy some booze if I can. Woohoo gonna be great to see the 1gs singing their concert... NOT! but I guess its a tradition we all have to bear with...

who knows, maybe something interesting will happen... the world is unpredictable :P

and then there is theater on wednsday, and a nice last 3g evening dinner, with wine...

Then there is thursday evening with rektor, and the whole night out! :P :D:D and in the morning we have pø kamp, and im defending the island at last. Great!

so yeah things are bittersweet... cant wait for the exams to end, so I can chill with nicolas for like two weeks... then to cyprus for like a month... then going to our interrail trip in july, at last :) drinking, travelling! woohoo self motivation....

And then glasgow... nico saying that he might come next year, wud b awesome for us to rent an apartment together. Looking forward to being able to turn over the page, and just forget about this segment of my life. A lot of lessons learnt, most of it from unhappy, bitter experiences, but experience nonetheless. Hopefully with the new knowledge I will do better at uni. I hope :)

Bin ages

Soo, its been ages since ive posted in my blog... so a short summary of the events:

Weekend with Greg was WEEEEIRD! Went clubbing to retro, had to wait for 2.5 hours to get in, got in at 3, didnt score, due to a combination of my inefficiency, so to speak, and the lack of attractive girls. So yeah that mildly sucked :P next day his mom went on so many bitch rants that I left his house and went for a 2-3 hour long walk, up to the sea.

Arijana wanted to be friends with me. Greg asked me to come over to an empty classroom, and left me alone to talk with her. Tried to convince me tht we cud b friends. I vehemently disagreed, but yeah she is stubborn... So in the end she texted me, I was going to say no, but greg maintained that it would be much easier just to "keep up appearances" and say yes, then refuse. Which I did. after what like 1-2 weeks of superficial "philip sup" facebook/msn messages greg set up a poker game, where it was me, my bro, and she joined in. Seeing her with greg as usual started grinding my gears, in the end I decided to just go all in and leave before I said something extremely unpleasant. Hey, I thought it was a tactful way out. Apparently it didnt work, they came to my room and wouldnt leave. I tried to convince and coerce them over a large period of time, to no avail. In the end I threw my phone at the wall in an attempt to freak them out enough for them to leave. Arijana left, me and greg had a talk. He maintained that I should apologise. Which I did, albeit rather superficially. So yeah now Im in "ignore arijana" mode, which will most likely persist until the end of school. Hey, its not very nice, but I cant see an alternative.

Haha last bytur, I had 200kr for the trip, went a bit later then the others, walked to town alone, in the dark, bought a big bottle of bacardi and some cola zero. Mixed em up and drank most of it over 30 min while walking towards the club. Deposited the half full bottle behind a dumpster outside, and frequently took short trips outside for a sip. Danced quite a bit, ended up hooking up with a girl that used to go to herluf some years ago. Lol didnt realise the extent of her alcoholic embezzlement until she almost fell at one point. Things got quite interesting, but then Im afraid that we had to go out and in again into retro, this time requiring a 20 year old ID. Im 16, but had a 19 year old ID, the bitches didnt let me in. So nothing happened otherwise with the girl :/

Met these 2 russian guys at the entrance, explained them my dillema. They were semi drunk and very friendly, led me to another club, and payed for my entrance (LOL). Had some fun for abt 30 mins with them, smoked a ciggy (yes its a sin, and no it wasnt particularly nice, and no I wont be repeating anytime soon. Waterpipe ftw tho) . Anyways afterwards picked up a cab, got back to school on time.

Revision is going kinda shite, not doing nearly enough. Will be staying up to finish these two assignments I have overdue. Not in a very philosophical mood today, so sorry no deeply emotional introspection this time :P

lol

Feel like a lot of the thoughts I have been having have been stupidity. Guess thats a good thing. Im essentially not really thinking about her any more, I mean a bit of course, but not overly concerned. Mostly just depressed for no particular reason at this point, sort of guess that the whole fuck up put things into motion. Hoping to get over it this weekend with the whole clubbing thing, should be fun :)

haha greg is going to be my "wing man", whatever the fuck that means... Should be interesting to see how things fold out, whatever happens I intend to have some good drinking, and fun. Not particular ambitious due to my current emotional detachment, should be a good alternative to my usual drunken desperation. I mean it kinda worked last party, so guess that being casually interested but not really caring is the way to go ;)
havent clubbed for ages, tired of this stupid school ball bullshit.... should be nice to wear some decent clothes for once and be at a party with nice music. Ironically going to Retro again, like almost the only club I been to in DK (except for crazy daisy). Quite nice place so dont mind. lol good Im going with greg could use a wee bit of practical advice :P

been quite the asshole to him the last week or two, realised that today and apologised to him, hope he is not too pissed at me... guess it must be hard to be friends with me, probs even harder then it was for me to b friends with him. well whatever, we talked about issues related to the whole thing, and I didnt really care very much. I kind of understand what happened and why now, but would rather not talk about it in depth. Whatever happened, even if im more or less over it, I dont think I will ever talk to her again. not because she flippantly changed her mind; I understand that now, but because she never cared enough to apologise, explain, or do the dignity to say it to my face. whatever her motives, I find that unacceptable. but lol Ive said that in like every blog post this week so I guess the message comes across :P
watched this cool tv soap called "skins", suprisingly good actually, with a sub plot which resembles an insanely exaggerated version of wut I was going through. Made me feel relieved that I came out of it all relatively unscathed; could have been worse :P and hey you know I learned a bit from it, and experience is always good. Guess that maturity is at last catching up with me :P happy that that is happening now at least, better late than never... anyways gonna go pack up my "party" clothes atm, watch some movie, and go to bed sleep since imma have my last exams tomorrow, which is important.

zzz...

Stayed up more or less all night today, reading the stuff I needed for Russian, and finishing my econ IA.

Slept through my russian self taught paper one today by mistake, fucked up... :s Cecilia didnt look too pissed but she said we would talk tomorrow, going to see what happens then.

Sat hiding under the blue sofa from vector with the moonlight sonata in my ears. the guy was fucking 0.5m away from me and I just didnt care. lol :P

Just watched the video for The killers - Mr. Brightside, and it almost made me laugh it rang so many bells in my head...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIgsDPsU-M0

Going to get some sleep now I guess, finish work for today, read up on a bit of development economics for tomorrow...

stupidity

Went to tanken with Greg. Was in a reasonably good mood, got some of my randomness back :)

When we came back he started pestering me to get him Coldplay - The scientist. Apparently a deeply emotional song for him... Lol he told me why, and it somehow made me so sad. Went upstairs, did some work, listened to coldplay. I know it is rather stupid, I mean here is a girl that was never honest with me, never told me a word of truth, and when I spilt out all my feelings for her she just sent me an sms saying she changed her mind and expected me to be all puppy happy for friendly socialising again. It seriously fucked me up. But I still care. Its annoying, I dont want it to be like that, but I cant help it. Im trying really hard to forget her, to not write to her every time I go onto facebook, to not just pretend that I forgive her. Its hard for me. Its hard to be a good friend to greg and not to feel insane spikes of jealousy and sadness every time he mentions her, which he does all the time of course, I can see how much feelings he has for her. I wish I could just put everything behind. But what she did was not just hurtful, it was disrespectful to me on a fundamental level.
I cannot demand feelings from her, that would be wrong of course, and I can accept her rejecting me (hey, thats what Im experienced with - rejection), but elementary respect for another human being, some elementary sense of dignity, that is something that I require in a person I would consider close to me, if even only as a friend. I still cant believe that everything she ever told me was bullshit, but thats the only way i can interpret her behaviour, and it saddens me. I really hope Greg does better, but then he will no doubt. Im just an asshole who doesnt know how to behave.

I guess Im just doomed to bear the brunt of this whole thing until the end of school, or until I get drunk and score enough times for cynicism about relationships and girls to kick in.

Hey, at least Im listening to coldplay on a regular basis again :)

I promised not to...

And then I did. lol. write a wall of text. but hey at least I dont have anything else to say to her. I had hoped that she would care enough to at least explain. Guess it was too much to hope for. lets hope I dont get another wall of meaningless text that would confuse me again. Tired of those bullshit facebook posts. Seriously if a person has something important to say they can at least bother to say it to my face. I guess that the fact that she never did that shows just how fake this whole thing has been. At least now I can forget about the whole thing.

On a more cheerful note, I found this awesome song Heart of Fire - Innerpartysystem. Great song, weird that it only has 40000 views on youtube. Preparing for my Russian exams right now, going to be weird to write in my mother tongue again after 3 years of no academia in Russian :)

Slumdog Millionaire won 8 oscars! 8 fucking oscars! thats awesome :) I personally loved the film thought it was one of the best I recall seeing in the last 2-3 years. Nicolas was not as positive about it as me, but I guess that the romantic elements of the film appeal more to me since im a closeted sentimental (meh wish i wasnt tbh causes me a lot of trouble).

Got my brother convinced to go somewhere else for the rejseweekend, meaning I can go clubbing without feeling responsible for my bro. He can be heaps of fun, but I seriously would not like to be responsible for his alcohol consumption. Plus, Gregs living facilities are apparently not very large, so wouldnt like to inconveniance his Mom too much.

My grandmothers birthday today, gonna have to call her later...

Stoner sunday

spent most of today recovering from yesterday... lol :P

Yesterday I started drinking before dinner time, right up until bedtime. Dinner was rather dull so I guess that it was good initiative on my part :)

for the party I spent some time in my room, alone at first and then with greg, and we joyfully consumed the vodka bottle. I was rather suprised in the end I drank 3/4 of the bottle and wasnt really beyond tipsy; guess that Im developing alcohol immunity :D

The Humphrey Bogart costume was quite a success, except that because of the Stetson hat many ppl thought I was indiana jones... lol :P But well considering how much that suit cost (o.O) it better have looked good. When I was sufficiently under the influence of alcohol and boredome, I decided to go dance. Went fine, because for once I honestly didnt give a shit about anything but the music. Ironically apparently that was the formula for success :P ended up dancing with a girl for like 1 1/2 hours, I thought she was quite attractive, but then who knows, alcohol alters our perception of the world. greg said she was a 5/10. to be honest, I dont care :P anyway the funny part was that she got tired like 10 minutes before the end of the party, and so we went outside. You would have thought perfect scoring moment, right? she seemed quite interested, but then I realised I had forgotten my hat on the dancefloor... Expensive stetson hat I borrowed from home, damn :P so I went in there found the girl who had stolen it from me (lol), she was a 3g girl I knew by sight she promised to give it back. And when I come back outside this guy from 2ib Magnus is talking to her, and asks if I would mind if he took her for a dance. Im a bit at loss since he had been more or less trying to get with her the whole time I was dancing with her... I kind of assumed he was her "boyfriend" (or soon to be). So I just left it at that. REAAAALLLLY awkward moment there :P then when she comes back out she starts talking to me, and somehow we talk, and I realise I dont remember her name (or I just didnt here it on the dancefloor). And she asked, and I went like SHIIIT :P so yeah basically she was mildly pissed at me but we were both so drunk I dont think it mattered... then she talked with this Magnus guy for 20 minutes, so yeah that pretty much fucked up :P not that I minded the dancing part was fun. But yeah it was kind of funny in a fucked up way....


Today I procrastinated in my room, read a book, listened to How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, the 2004 U2 album (awesome!!!), and was pretty bored... :/ didnt get any signals of life from Greg so just assumed he was with her. Lol she sent me a random message yesterday, probably expecting me to pounce upon her offering of some form of social contact. Nope, not going there. She didnt even have the dignity to make her statement to me in person, or explain it in any way, and then she wants to pretend that nothing happened. Fuck that.

Watched the Frost/Nixon docudrama movie. That was amazing, loved the acting, the screenplay, the whole shebang. Read up on Sir David Frost afterwards and watched some excerpts from the real interviews, and Im amazed at the revival that was made, it was really captivating. A must see in my opinion.

Right now doing that fucking econ ia, going to finish it tonight. Hoping to catch a glimpse of the Oscar Awards while Im working; depends a lot on if Kofoed busts me or not, and if he comes up here checking, and how tired im feeling (got some sleep but goddamn I have an exhausted looking face)

looking forward to the next weekend, if all goes well with me and Greg (having some small tensions for obvious reasons) then we go CLUBBING! :P should be fun havent been around much in helsingør. Meh my brother is coming dont know how I feel about that of course he will want to death to come with us but I seriously dont feel up to the challenge of being responsible for him while im drunk, would ruin all the fun since he is 100% getting wasted out of his mind and then I have to drag him home... Makes me think about new years. Nope, no way am I letting him come.

Listening to the U2 album - Vertigo, Miracle drug, sometimes you cant make it on your own,

an awesome russian song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxhKLMatTDo&feature=channel_page

Alcholol consumption w00p w00p!

Im semi drunk, and it feels good :P

МСН

Зашел на МСН сегодня, и она мне написала. Филипп! Как дела? Надеюсь ты на меня больше не сердишься. Честное слово я в начале не поверил. Потом посидел минуты две, вспоминая толстые стопки текста которые я думал ей написать. Потом посмотрел еще раз, и подумал "а нахуй мне это надо?"

Усмехнулся горькой улыбкой, и вырубил МСН. Мне смешно, и печально. Неужели ей совершенно пофиг? хотя если честно на этом этапе мне почти что все равно. Заябала драма, не буду я ей никаких поэтических признаний писать, это только ее спровацирует на порыв 2 страниц полного литературного говна. Ей богу набухаться завтра хочу. Надеюсь что головной запор пройдет через недельку другую, она не стоит моих переживаний. Мне жаль Грега, потому что мне кажется что у него тоже ничего не пойдет. Ну и конечно в глубине души завидую. Несмотря на все говно через которое она меня провозила, я по ней скучаю. Конечно идиотизм, но сердцу не прикажешь. Поскорее бы я из этой свалки смылся.

Butterfly Caught

Insects are attracted to light; Whenever you see a lamp in the middle of the night, there will always be moths straining to reach it. This attraction seems stupid; after all, the touch of the lamp is fatal.
And yet, the insects strive. The closer they get to the lamp, the more they are attracted to it, until they finally reach it. The lamp burns them, and they crumple, lifeless, to the floor.


On an unrelated note: GOT BOOZE FOR TMRW! yay! staying up today as usual, in order to do some work, and to have that classy Humphrey Bogart look of permanent exhaustion (black bags under eyes for the win!)

Just watched this film "slumdog millionaire". Probably one of the best films I have ever seen. Was very touched, very impressed, very inspired. Except for the ending a la high school musical, with them all dancing and singing. THAT was lame, but I turned it off so I wouldnt ruin my experience of the movie.

Goodnight

Aha! I found an english translation of the poem. Thought I might as well post it

I'm lonely and sad, and in moments of bitterest pain
Have no one to look to, alas...
Desires!.. What use to desire without end, without gain,
While all the best years swiftly, fleetingly pass!
To love... Whom?..
If briefly, 'tis not worth the effort...
Fore'er?..
Vain longing, since love cannot last.
Look into your heart: joy and torment - all paltry, and there
Remains not a trace of the past.The passions?..
Sweet ailment that reason will easily cure,
A cold word of logic arrest.
And life - what is life if you look round you coolly?-
A poor, An empty and trivial jest..


Hmm it is nothing compared to the Russian original but I guess it conveys the general message. In my opinion Lermontov is speaking more of a cynical dissapointment in life and feeling, while this translation sounds more like a sad heartbroken lamentation, so I dont think it quite conveys the same message, but whatever...

And....

Im back. Because Im bored. Desperately bored... Meh

In the midst of my mocks, which funnily enough is rather relaxing compared to everyday school. Got a friend of mine getting some booze for tomorrow (hopefully), planning to get completely smashed; business as usual. Dont really know if it will alter anything, but I sorely miss the cynical detachment from my personal emotions that alcohol brings, the ability to dispassionately, albeit not so objectively, judge oneself.

Feel kind of stupid for getting that goddamn suit for maskebal, but whatever. I look suprisingly cool in it, and it will last me for a couple of years after Im out of this shithole, so wasnt entirely a waste. Started playing guitar again on a more active basis, basically because these days I feel like my life really has no meaning, and I need to fill it up with something. Playing the "Hey there Delilah" song, and some Oasis; kind of sentimental stuff, but I like it. Hopefully going to expand my horizon over the next couple of weeks, learn some new songs...
Having weird problems falling asleep, was sitting around at 2am yesterday writing a wall of enormous text of an introspective nature. Yup, its weird, and nope, I dont particularly enjoy it. Guess its just a state of mind that recent events have put me into. In the words of immortal genius of Lermontov:

И скучно и грустно, и некому руку подать
В минуту душевной невзгоды...
Желанья!.. что пользы напрасно и вечно желать?..
А годы проходят - все лучшие годы!
Любить... но кого же?.. на время - не стоит труда,
А вечно любить невозможно.
В себя ли заглянешь? - там прошлого нет и следа:
И радость, и муки, и всё там ничтожно...
Что страсти? - ведь рано иль поздно их сладкий недуг
Исчезнет при слове рассудка;
И жизнь, как посмотришь с холодным вниманьем вокруг -
Такая пустая и глупая шутка...

Dont feel like translating it for the unslavic readers of this, look it up. I sincerely hope that Im alone reading this, but these days you never know.

Haha talked to Greg yesterday about stuff, was vaguely hoping for some clarity at last but got a pile of shit as usual. Guess I cant expect any form of definitive answer to anything. Anyway, who cares. I dont really have any form of emotion about the incident, just feeling numb. Actually I have problems experiencing any form of feeling right now, feeling just cynical and a bit dead inside. Lol guess thats just things going back to normal. Probs going over to Gregs for the upcoming weekend, planning to go clubbing or something, will hopefully provide ample distraction. Sceptical about any form of success, but hey good things happen to even the weirdest people, so one can always hope. And whatever happens I can allways just get shitfaced.

Haha still havent given in my last econ IA if cecilia accepts it tomorrow I will be pleasantly suprised, dont really care about the quality as long as I get it done.

Essentially at the moment I feel like shit, look like shit, and behave like shit. Haha got several people pissed off at me because I just snapped at them. Well whatever it is that ails me I sincerely hope it will be over within the next 1/2 weeks, because its not worth it. Afraid that my tendency to overexaggerate anything in my life (due to the intense boredome that forms my everyday routine) means that I probably will be in this weird mood for a bit longer, but meh.. Whatever.

Have been thinking about Nicolas's "Easy peasy" advice, it makes me laugh every time I remember it...

Also gregs "Hearthstone" warning... Guess that all my friends have some form of wisdom :P

Contemplating if I should post that long wall of introspective text I wrote yesterday... Hmm will continue contemplating...

Talked to Nicolas about the future prospects of my social life at Uni, he gave me some valid advice. Was quite funny talking about it, cheered me up a bit in a cynical way...

Anyways going on to live my boring depressive life :P

bye blog.

lol

well, no big suprise there.

Probs the last post Im making in this blog for... well yeah quite some time. bye blog

Valentines Day

:(

Overwhelmed but in a good way... for once :)

Fucking around

Playboy novella material plot...

Understanding

Perfect

Screw that

Stuff happening to me

2009